Lately I've been covered under a blanket so thick I feel I can't breathe. Is there anything I'm good at? Do I have any level of worth? It's a feeling that goes deep and the thoughts that accompany it are pretty dark. Needless to say, tears flow. The ironic thing is, I have developed a women's retreat based on how we and society sees us, versus how God sees us.
The real problem, at least for me, is that my self expectations are unrealistic. My bar is so high I'm not even sure Jesus could hit it. Self-sabotage some would say. In my head, since the bar is so high, why even bother. Right?
So I need to reset. Reset the bar, reset my thoughts, reset my ideals, and reset my goals. Not eliminate them. I need to find patience with myself, accept that failure is part of the process, not succeeding the first time doesn't reflect my aptitude, just my inexperience.
If you have a child competing in track, as an example, and they lose their heat, do you tell them to just quit? Usually not. You encourage them to try again. And that's exactly what God tells us to do. He's rooting for us!! He already has equipped us! He KNOWS we can... we just need to decide if he's worth crossing the finish line for.
Praying for all of us who feel like failures. Remember, feelings are deceptive. You've been given another day. That, in and of itself, tells us God believes in us.
Ugh... resetting yet again.
There is a popular song out now that actually has the words, "I'm thankful for the scars." Thankful?? Scars are an indication that something was broken, whether flesh or heart or emotions. The breaking of something always leaves behind something else. How can I be thankful for brokenness?
I guess, in retrospect, I can have empathy with those who've lived through physical and mental abuse. I can show people how to survive, and hopefully, thrive. I can hold the hurting and relate on such a deep level that those who have never experienced it cannot comprehend. There's so many contrite sayings about being broken, the story of the practice of putting together a broken vase with gold, or the story of where there are holes the light gets in. Both are legit, but my issue is God allows brokenness. Sin, the way we treat others, brings to light brokenness.
I truly feel there are families in my life who have never experienced pain. I'm told that we never know what goes on behind closed doors. I'm confident that I do, in many instances. But here's the thing. I may not see their brokenness, their pain, their issues, but Christ showed me that no one... no one, leaves here without scars. He had physical scars from beatings too great to comprehend, scars from betrayal of a close friend, scars from others fleeing in denial of him, and scars of his father forsaking him. Physical, mental, emotional scars. He lived them all, only to overcome them and rise. He rose not on his own ability though. It was God who raised him. How much clearer an example can we get? If we want to rise beyond our scars, we CANNOT do it on our own. "I can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives me strength."
I can and will continue to rise above my scars, with God's help, but I am thankful for my scars for they remind me sin covers this place, and when I look back, I can see how far I've come.